This place is dark and scary. It seems like you are trapped for a life time. You are still able to go through your day to day life but almost feeling emotionless. It is a weird feeling to live every day but not feel alive. It is a feeling that is so hard to explain. You find yourself lashing out and not realizing until you’ve pushed everyone away. The famous saying “There is a light at the end of the tunnel” feels so untrue.
My dark tunnel was pitch black. I felt numb almost every hour of every day. This feeling was something I became very good at hiding. I was a pro at not seeking help, a pro at feeling as though this will pass and I will get through it. Which was true, I would get through it. In no way shape or form was I going to get through this alone or without help.
My help was there and it did work. Not every day, but it did help. It consisted of medication, therapy, mindfulness, and even a little account on instagram with motivational quotes. Seems very silly but everything that was posted, I had felt at some point through my journey. Medication was trial and error. Luckily my journey with finding the one that worked best was short. I started with a low dose and realized I needed a little extra help. At first, I was totally against this. I hated the idea of being a 21 year old who had to take medicine everyday. After countless panic attacks in a public place, I decided I needed to swallow my pride and take the medicine. It was frustrating. It takes about 4-6 weeks for you to actually feel a difference. I felt like I was taking this for no reason. It became a thought of not even medicine can help me.
Unfortunately, harmful thoughts eventually came to mind. It was by far the scariest feeling ever. I had never thought I would feel that way. It was terrifying, and out of my control. I was lucky enough to have a doctor that cared for me enough to contact my roommate and the counseling center at my university. At the time, I was furious. I did not and was not going to go to the counseling center. Jokes on me, my roommate gave me no choice. We got in the car, with my mind saying we were not going and hers saying we were going no matter what I said. I changed my mind while on the road but I was still scared. What if someone saw me? What if I left feeling worse about myself? Which all became very true for me. I was given an “emergency appointment” which was so embarrassing for me. I hated that I even needed to seek help. In the appointment I had to fill out an emergency plan if in the event I ever felt like this again (which thank God I did not). The emergency plan did however make me feel worse about myself. I had to write down five people that I could go to if this happened again. I could only think of two. This was around the time I lost a few friends and my now ex-boyfriend. I just felt so unloveable. I was supposed to have five people and I couldn’t do that. I was so ashamed of who I was and left feeling worse about myself.
Although the tunnel may be pitch black and you feel like you are walking blindly, there is a light. It may not feel close, you may not be able to see it right now but it is there.
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